Satire

The Chaiwala Team

After months of a marketing campaign that would have left people at Ogilvy in shame, Mr. Narendra ‘Chaiwala’ Modi has been sworn as the 15th Prime Minister of the biggest democracy on this watery planet.

We Indians like change. And in a democratic setup, a change is of utmost importance. Change to show that a particular surname will not run this country forever, a change to show that we Indians have finally grown an interest in politics, even though it is only restricted to Social Media( In our defence, sitting on a laptop all night long fighting over status updates is tough).

Even though I was another vocalist singing for change, I never liked the Hindutva music of the saffron brigade’s khadi shorts. But this time around, the shorts gang was singing a new tune.

“Namo Namo Namo”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P9ucpaT5xjg

(This is just too amazing not to share). Listening to this tune, I grabbed my old civics book and read about Indian Lok Sabha elections. No, this was not the American Presidential elections where you vote for the leader and do not even look at the candidate who has applied from your constituency.

As much as I criticise the way people have voted, I must admit the only party that deserved to win was BJP. INC were busy creating a pit for the Shehzaada, and Mr. Kejriwal had already jumped into one himself, resigning from Delhi’s Chief Minister’s post.  

In short, I am happy. Happy that Indians still are unsatisfied, and still dream of a first world India and will continue reminding politicians that they are being watched.

This post is not about whether Mr. Modi is the correct Prime Ministerial choice, but about the dilemma I have always had: What Cabinet will Mr. Modi have once he is elected to the PMO? Because one thing is clear, INC and LEFT have been grooming intellectuals for years, the BJP continues to overlook this aspect of politics.

People may disagree, but in my opinion you need to have proper knowledge and education to run a portfolio, that too at the highest level of administration in India. But given the options (they were very few) Mr. Modi has managed a decent cabinet, who I score 6.5/10 on face value (I would love them for proving me wrong, on the positive end of the scale).

I will divide my opinion into 3 sections: The Good, The Bad and The Ugly of the Cabinet selection.

THE GOOD:

  • The Factor that Modi has selected a small team is amazing. I am a big fan of “Jeff Bezos’ 2 pizza a Team principle” Smaller cabinet for quick decisions is an amazing concept being drafted into the highest administrative office of India.
  • Mr. Arun Jaitley: Honestly, the only minister who would fit into any Cabinet, and into any role. Having a very clean image, he is well respected amongst all political circles.
  • Getting some very smart and educated people on board. Mr. Harsh Vardhan( the almost CM of Delhi) is an ENT Surgeon and knows the health sector inside out.And Gen VK Singh, who even after the controversies is the best person who can lead the North Eastern region out of the chaos it is in.
  • One of another pleasant news from this front is that 1/4th of the Cabinet are women.( though I expected better people than Ms. Irani and Ms. Bharti)
  • I was so happy to know that the goons (Shiv Sena) have a very less representation in the Cabinet. I am still clueless though, why does Maharashtra even vote for them?
  • By putting low-profile, low-ego ministers in charge of some of these ministries, Modi has probably tried to ensure that his ministers do not get into needless tussles with state governments, especially if they are run by opposition parties.

 

THE BAD:

  • There were people, who though new, were way more educated and knowledgeable about some portfolios than their present occupants. Example: Mr. Jayant Sinha is an IIT Delhi and Harvard alumnus having studied Business Administration from the Ivy League wonder. Similarly, Mr. Abhishek Singh has a degree in industrial Relations from XLRI. But I know, degrees are not important to lead a nation, political prowess is.
  • Smriti Irani: A Miss India aspirant who is just a “Class 12th pass “and has never been to college been given the HRD Portfolio. Are you kidding me? Though many people may debate against it, this is very stupid. How can someone who has never been to college understand how higher education needs improvement with girls wearing makeup to become an actress?
  • A not very equal representation in the Cabinet from all the states. Himachal, Uttarakhand, Rajasthan are some of the states where, even after sweeping almost all the seats, there are only a trickle of seats visible in the Cabinet. ( I really hoped to see Maj. Gen. Khanduri on those ranks)

 

THE UGLY:

  • Uma Bharti: Why oh why? A 6th pass, 13 criminal cases, wants to “wipe off Muslims” is on the highest administrative body of the “modern India”. I agree Mr. Modi has the RSS to please, but he has sealed Ganga’s fate. It is never getting cleaned.
  • A cabinet Minister’s average worth is Rs. 18.66 crore. Where? Where does this money come from? Why cannot India have middle class Ministers?
  • 27 Criminal cases against the Ministers in the Cabinet. Whatever happened to having a clean government, having people like Madam Bharti and Sanjeev Baliyan( Muzzaffarnagar MP accused of inciting violence in the recent riots) is simply making a mockery of the Indian sstem of governance.( Not that this never happened before, But we were expecting a Change.)

 

Credits: To the person who has made this amazing cartoon.

The NaMo Chant

Today I have a friend writing a ‘guest post’ for me. As I am a very confused citizen on who to vote and who not to, she gives us a strong perspective about the very same. This article was also published in the Youth Connect Magazine.

P.S: This is not a hate post, just an individual opinion which everyone has a right to express, in person or in public.

Writer: Shruti Chaturvedi
Cartoonist: Satish Acharya
Courtesy: Shagufta Khan

THE NAMO CHANT

Your vote in the upcoming elections will shape the country’s future. A choice made out of ignorance and deception might be too heavy a burden to carry on your conscience.

The Contenders.

By now you must have gathered that the NaMo chant isn’t to my taste, and most of you must have assumed my preferences run to Rahul Baba. Here is the deal. I go to bat for neither.
An anti-Modi doesn’t always a pro-Gandhi make! Let’s get our froggy heads out of whatever wells we seem to inhabit and open our eyes and ears to other possibilities. Mr.Modi and Mr. Gandhi aren’t the be all and the end all of Lok Sabha elections 2014.
Here is why jumping on the NaMo bandwagon is a bad idea of epic proportions!
The Congress, to collective relief, has already declared that RaGa (Who comes up with these syntactic disasters anyway?), with his foot in the mouth syndrome will not be taking over the family business. Speculations are ripe that NandanNilekani, former Infosys boss and brand new member of Indian National Congress will be their not so secret ‘Bhramastra’ and shall be pitted against Mr.Modi and his development.
Talking about options, the angry young man of Indian politics has stormed the country on his virtual broom and shaken the ‘Rajneeti’. Kejriwal is a bada*s and has the youth behind him. For all we know, he could turn out to be more fake than Anushka Sharma’s alleged lips. Or BJP’s plan B to divide the minority vote. Or Congress’s plan A (they seem to have no other) to stop BJP from getting the highly coveted 272. Was his Delhi sojourn a disaster or collateral damage in his quest to Raisina Hill? He is certainly making the biggies nervous, and for that alone he deserves some serious thought.
Also, why do we forget there is a tiny little postscript here. It’s called the Left. Why is the PM an INC/BJP monopoly in this country? And then we moan about dynastic politics.
Moreover, nothing like a “none of the above button” in enough numbers to let the country’s kurta pyjama brigade know they need to pull up their socks. I see nothing wrong in demanding a re-poll. Atleastit’s black money being put to a better use, than say IPL. So here is my point. Whoever said there are plenty of other fish in the sea was a genius. Keeping yourself open to other viable options makes you a smart voter, instead of a narrow minded, parochial fool.

Lesser Evil? Okay.

A sentence that has been used far too often and far too loosely: Mr.Modi is the lesser evil. Do different dictionaries have different meanings of evil? It’s like saying Voldemort is a lesser evil than Dolores Umbridge.
There are two types of people who spout this gem, First, who believe Mr.Modi was a completely innocent bystander of the Gujarat riots, and his only fault was his inefficiency and failure to subdue the raging communal storm. For them, indeed Mr.Modi is the lesser evil. To these blinded men and women, all I can say is, Godspeed. And that the rose tint in their glasses is a tad too much.
The other kind areNaMo worshippers who have a highly flexible sense of morality. To them, the allegations on Mr.Modi of presiding over a pogrom, of planning and overseeing a genocide are brownie points. If tomorrow Mr.Modi was to admit his role in the 2002 riots , these people will stand by him. Because for some of them, he put Muslims in their rightful place. They had it coming. Let’s destroy Pakistan now!
For the rest, so yeah he let a few thousand people get killed, maybe even offered pointers! And his ministers might have helmed the efforts! So what? He brings development! Electing a man with so much blood on his hands to lead the country into tomorrow seems like an irreversible mistake. Remember Germany and its eerily similar leader? It’s history is tainted forever.
We don’t trust our judiciary and condemn the corruption that has eroded its very roots, and yet Modifans justify Supreme Court’s clean chit to Mr.Modi as proof of his snowy white innocence. How convenient! Mr.Modi is the only Chief Minister to have been investigated by a Special Investigation Team constituted by the Supreme Court. This team implicates senior police officials and ministers in the Gujarat government, but miraculously manages to ignore evidence supporting higher sinister involvements and systematically and thoroughly destroys it.
Top police officials who testify against Mr.Modi, and are victimised and implicated in false cases. Tehelka’s sting operation, which is perhaps the biggest proof of Mr.Modi’s involvement in the 2002 massacre is flippantly designated a paid media gimmick without any investigation. And the best counter argument? Congress leaders did the same in the Sikh Riots in ’84! So that gives BJP a free pass to do it too? Is that how we roll now? Defend a murderer by whining that the other guy killed first, instead of demanding prosecution of both?
Atleast the perpetrators of the ’84 riots aren’t prime ministerial candidates with a fan army of foolish, bigoted, blinded by false propaganda loyalists, but sidelined, out of job politicians awaiting judicial probe!

The cabinet runs the country. Prime Minister’s Office doesn’t.

To understand what constitutes development and growth, the cornerstone of the upcoming elections, a quick revision of the background of Indian economy is in order. In 1991, with some nudges from the World Bank and the IMF, India brought in economic reforms which resulted in a significant GDP boost that only slowed down in 2007-2008 owing to the global crisis. However, these policies had some unwelcome consequences.
Privatisation meant competition among corporates, who now resorted to offering kickbacks to politicians and bureaucrats in order to be favoured for these multi-million dollar deals. Massive corruption was to follow. (Example: the CWG and 2G scams). In developed countries like the USA, the credit system coupled with the neo-liberalisation schemes unleashed widespread corruption. The bursting of USA’s ‘Housing Bubble’ plummeted the world economy into the Financial Crisis, the worst the world had seen since the Great Depression of 1930. The domino effect had prompted fears of a global economic collapse. And yet, on a relative degree, India didn’t suffer half as much as other developed countries, given its economy was not fully liberalised.
The net result in India has been a slow-down in economic growth and high rates of inflation, which are causes for concern but not catastrophic. And for that, due credit should be given to the brains in the ruling government that kept our economy afloat by using their ample knowledge of economics and finance. And due brickbats should be thrown at the same minds who let corruption flare right under their noses and helped widen the already dangerous levels of inequality in income distribution.
Whom shall Mr.Modi rely on for economic advice, advice that has the potential to make or break the economy of the country?
Now, looking at BJP as a prospective ruling government, let’s remember Mr.Modi’s fondness for a one man show can’t go on at the Centre. So whom shall Mr.Modi rely on for economic advice, advice that has the potential to make or break the economy of the country? BJP’s go to men, in previous innings have been Mr.Yashwant Sinha and Mr.Jaswant Singh. Both, lets be honest, are not winning any awards for economic brilliance any time soon.
“In 1990, Sinha was finance minister in the government of Chandrashekhar, when the bottom fell out of the Indian economy… The government’s policy response then was to ship all the gold in the Reserve Bank of India’s vaults off to the Bank of England as collateral for a loan… In March 2001, soon after Sinha presented his Budget, India experienced one of its worst market crashes: about $32 billion worth of market capitalisation was wiped out that month,” reads this report of the Economic Times.
Interestingly, names of both party veterans – Mr. Sinha and Mr. Singh – fail to feature in the first four list of candidates released by the party. Oh wait, the later has been denied.
Corruption, as deep-rooted as it is, will probably still be as big a menace as it is with the UPA if the NDA is voted to power. But the economic scenario might just take a turn for the worse.
Putting all our eggs (read savings and the Indian economy as a whole) in one basket (read BJP’s very capable numbers that lack a competent economist) in these economically shaky times is tantamount to economic suicide. Fulfilling their promise of curbing inflation might not really be their cup of tea. Also, what is the guarantee that they wouldn’t want a share in the windfall gains that politicians and bureaucrats receive due to all that privatisation they help materialise? Corruption, as deep-rooted as it is, will probably still be as big a menace as it is with the UPA if the NDA is voted to power. But the economic scenario might just take a turn for the worse.

Gujarat: The price paid for its development.

Mr.Modi’s kingdom Gujarat is in the news almost as much as he himself is. Gujarat is his portfolio, everything he promises to bring to the centre is on shiny display in the state. And then there is development, the term that should perhaps be patented for Mr.Modi’s exclusive use. People in India believe in fairytales. Gujarat was a barren land of poverty and strife and NaMo waved a magic wand and lo and behold!, development was born, wrapped in a frilly pink blanket weaved by the ‘wizard of development’ himself.
The state of Gujarat is a historically progressive one that has enjoyed a climate conducive to entrepreneurship and business. Wholesale privatisation and deregulation, unsustainable indebtedness, extreme disparities in wealth, abolishment of Gandhian welfare programs, dangerous overdependence on the private sector, corporatisation of agriculture, neglect of the rural sector, unabashed corruption owing to kickbacks from corporates, environmental degradation, excessive priority given to industrialisation, ignoring welfare of labour, promotion of capital intensive manufacturing sector, infrastructure facilitating industries instead of the common man etc are just some of the drawbacks attached to Modi’s economic model for Gujarat. Are we willing to render that kind of payment at the centre?
Economic Indicators in Gujarat show a mostly positive trend. But the widespread propaganda, a very active PR machinery and an army of almost fanatic loyalists has led us to believe that the numbers are nothing short of miraculous. To clear the air, lets look at a few.
A Planning Commission report confirms that Gujarat saw 100% electrification in the year 1996-97. Yes, Modiji must be working from behind the scenes.
Modi’s fans claim that Gujarat has witnessed an exceptional growth compared to other Indian states. Interestingly, Gujarat accounted for 16.2% GDP relative to the five congruent states of Haryana, Maharashtra, Tamil Nadu, Delhi & Andhra Pradesh in 2005, it accounted for 16.5% relative GDP in 2012. Exceptional indeed!
NarendraModi roped in Amitabh Bachchan to promote Gujarat Tourism. But the claims that have followed are lies, lies, and more lies. In 2003, Gujarat accounted for 2.3% tourist share for India and in 2011? *drumroll* 2.43%. (Ref 1, 2 & 3)
It seems like economic growth in Modi’s Gujarat has come at the cost of its social welfare and human development. A few glaringly worrisome facts:
According to the National Sample Survey Organisation (NSSO) (2011-2012), Gujarat has among the lowest average daily wages for casual labour in urban areas: Rs 144.52; national urban average is Rs 170.10. Profit only for corporates in Modi’s Gujarat.
The hunger index — only about 43 per cent of children under ICDS in the state are of normal weight, according to an Indian Institute of Public Administration report. Modi gives credit to vegetarianism and figure consciousness.
In 2010-11, Gujarat spent 15.9 per cent of its budget on education, when Bihar, Chhattisgarh, Haryana, Kerala, Maharashtra, Orissa, Rajasthan, Uttar Pradesh and West Bengal spent between 16 and 20.8 per cent. The national average was 16.6 per cent. Money only for Adani.

Corruption and Moditva.

Another keypoint this election is corruption. And the BJP plans to eradicate it if they come to power. Lofty plans I say. Especially when their PM candidate went all the way to the Supreme Court to oppose the appointment of Justice R. A. Mehta according to the Gujarat Lokayukta Act. Subsequently the state government amended the Lokayukta Act to make it a toothless body under the control of the very government whose corruption it was supposed to monitor.
Always having been outspokenly critical in matters of corruption, Modi’s developmental activities haven’t exactly been clean.
“Adani has, over the years, leased 7,350 hectares–much of which he got from 2005 onward–from the government in an area called Mundra in the Gulf of Kutch in Gujarat. FORBES ASIA has copies of the agreements that show he got the 30-year, renewable leases for as little as one U.S. cent a square meter (the rate maxed out at 45 cents a square meter). He in turn has sublet this land to other companies, including state-owned Indian Oil Co., for as much as $11 a square meter. Between 2005 and 2007 at least 1,200 hectares of grazing land was taken away from villagers.” Tata and its Nano Project are also pretty close to Mr.Modi’s heart. And his pockets. (Ref 6)

Does false marketing, hoodwinking, propaganda of lies and a lot of hot air and no substance qualify as corruption? Only a minute fraction of the MOUs signed in the exorbitant ‘Vibrant Gujarat Summits’ are actually implemented. All talk and no deeds make Vibrant Gujarat a dull ploy!
The extremely tech savvy CM boasts of a million followers on Twitter and Facebook. Yet reports claim that more than 50% of these are inactive or fake accounts. With models losing their clothes in support of Modiji’s campaign, the numbers, fake and real, are expected to go up! (Ref 9 & 10)
Mr.Modi has been trying to outrun a lot of truths, and planting a lot of lies. And in this endeavour, well known firm APCO Worldwide is lending a very helpful hand. In their very impressive client list of dictators, criminals, business tycoons, governments and agencies, Mr.Modi, to nobody’s surprise, fits right in. I wonder how the ‘incorruptible’ man manages to pay their bills.

BJP: Broken Janata Party.

There have been talks about how our country needs an autocratic, no-nonsense leader. And Mr.Modi fits the bill. Modiji, and his fan army can’t take a joke, and shut down websites that want to have a little harmless fun at his expense. Apparently, insider jokes are a no-no too, with Mr.Modi turning on his mentor, and grabbing the PM nominee’s chair, right from under Mr. L K Advani’s, well, backside.
Mr.Modi is overseeing the building of the tallest statue in the world, right in his backyard. The 182 metre high, Rs. 2500 crore ‘Statue of Unity’ in the River Narmada. Shri Sardar Patel, who ironically lobbied to ban the RSS in his life, is to be immortalised in iron in what can only be called a naked display of power or a foolish use of the taxpayers money.
The BJP seems divided when it comes to their golden boy, and though they are trying to keep a united front, the cracks are visibly growing. Modiji also seems to be a fan of some good ol’ hedonism.For your viewing pleasure, Mr.Modi is overseeing the building of the tallest statue in the world, right in his backyard. The 182 metre high, Rs. 2500 crore ‘Statue of Unity’ in the River Narmada. Shri Sardar Patel, who ironically lobbied to ban the RSS in his life, is to be immortalised in iron, in what can only be called a naked display of power or a foolish use of the taxpayers money. Even the tourism this statue shall bring will take a few light years to recover that kind of moolah, not to mention the cost of maintenance of this iron statue that will stand in a sea of moisture. Quick chemistry lesson folks. ‘Rust is an iron oxide, usually red oxide, formed by the redox reaction of iron and oxygen in the presence of water or air moisture’.
With the UPA as hapless as the Indian Cricket team was in the Asia Cup, and the NDA as united as Kejriwal and Anna, a hotpotch coalition seems to be on the cards. And that won’t do any favours to the Indian Economy and the market, which is in dire need of a stable government.
Hindutva and development are the only issues Modiji seems comfortable with. And his history, geography and economics need some really thorough revision. NarendraModi is a polarising and divisive individual who doesn’t shy away from using brute force. His disregard for human rights, women’s rights, humanity, secularism, social welfare and equality make him a dangerous man to helm a country as diverse as India. Mr.Modi, a self proclaimed Hindu Nationalist, who keeps company of the likes of Amit Shah and Subramanian Swamy is a known perpetrator of hatred and communal divide. His hunger for power, absence of emotions and and ambitions to take over the world are in consistence with those of a sociopath. By giving Mr.Modi a passage into the Prime Ministers Office, we shall be responsible for exacerbating issues that threaten this nation. Can we comfortably ignore all the signs that point towards a person’s incapability to run a country with fairness, skill, equality and justice? His election will be convenient to a privileged few, but at the cost of the future of the rest of us Indians. I am not ready to pay that price. You shouldn’t be either.

Game of the throne

Precautionary warning: The following article is intended to be satirical and insulting. If any of these candidates want me to edit something about them, I am open to bribes and lavish gifts.

I asked similar questions to the 3 horses that running in this derby:

 

MR. ARVIND KEJRIWAL

 

 

Image

 

Favourite food

None ( Too used to hunger strikes)

Favourite holiday destination 

The road side

Hobbies                                                                              

Dharna, Strike

Recent crush                                                

Aam aurat

Favourite  pick up line

Aam Aadmi mein bahut shakti hai, who bahut der takk khada reh sakta hai

If you were invisible for one day          

 I will lose all the publicity

Book on your bedside

 Idea of Pakistan

One person you look up to

The Cough Doctor

Favourite movie

Nayak: Ek din ka CM

Favourite song

Kyun paisa paisa karte ho, paise pe kyun marte ho

 

MR. RAHUL GANDHI

Image

Favourite food

Spaggeti and Pizza

Favourite holiday destination

Amethi

Hobbies

Playing with his hand

Recent crush

Barkha Dutt, now I am done with Arvind Goswami

Favourite  pick up line

Women empowerment is the way forward

If you were invisible for one day

 I will be invisible for the next 5 years.

Book on your bedside

History of Congress

One person you look up to

Mumma

Favourite movie

Shehzaade

Favourite song        

Main Aisa Kyun Hun

 

MR. NARENDRA MODI

Image

Favourite food

Khakda Fafda Thepla Dhokla and anything else that rhymes with them

Favourite holiday destination

USA ( A Gujarati dream)

Hobbies

Speaking, shouting, accusing, and then speaking some more

Recent crush

Meghna Patel

Favourite  pick up line    

I don’t use my hand

If you were invisible for one day

Steal Gujarat riot investigation reports

Book on your bedside

Hindutva

One person you look up to

The mirror

Favourite movie

The Burning Train

Favourite song

Main hun Don

 

Note: Cartoons posted from the internet. Credit to the cartoonists. They are amazing.